Updated: Feb 15, 2022
Hello, Ari here! I am not a counsellor at WCPS, I do not have any clinical expertise in this topic so this post is solely my experience and my emotions. I hope it reaches someone who has felt similarly, and can know they are not alone.
This post has been difficult for me to write. I intended to write it weeks ago as October was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. But here we are in November and every time I sit down to write it, I cry. A part of me feels like I don’t deserve to write this post anymore because I now have a child, my 16 month old daughter Selah. I was reminded that each pregnancy, each child is a different child and a different pregnancy - so my grief is valid. It still hurts and it’s been years.
My body remembers and aches for the life that was once there. I lost a baby at 13 after I had been sexually assaulted. My period was late by weeks and I took a pregnancy test with my mom. It was negative but I was told by the doctor that I had most likely miscarried with the symptoms and events that had taken place. And my body knew. Fast forward to my first year of university. My then boyfriend and I had broken up and then I found out I was pregnant shortly after. Pretty far along, too. I was ready to drop out of university, move back home and start preparing to be a mom. Although that isn’t what I wanted at that time; I didn’t want to be with said boyfriend anymore, I wanted to finish school, I felt too young - I was connected to this precious life inside of me. I felt joy, purpose, sacrificial love. I fought hard for this baby.
By the time I had wrapped my head around having this sweet baby, I found out that I had miscarried. I had never really felt so much sadness before. Although this baby wouldn’t be born in an ideal time or with an ideal partner - I was ready to do whatever it took to be an amazing mom. My body ached and cried and grieved, and still does. Sebastian and I have had to say goodbye to a couple of babies as we lost them to miscarriage, too. And we cried, mourned and continue to celebrate the life we carried. I am currently in a place of feeling deep gratitude for the sadness and grief I have. It reminds me of how real and hard it has been to lose babies.
There is no real end point in this post, just sending out love to those who have lost a baby. If you have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or just lost a child / infant in any form - you are not alone!